Two voices of consciousness #16
Many aspects of my work has reshaped and evolved, not just the pictures. I have had a hard time adjusting to the fact, that the core reason why I make images in the first place has started to turn into something that is far more convoluted than just one simple thing. I have these grand ideas, partly because I feel I need to justify what I do in order to be allowed to do it at all. I still get inspired by Grand Narratives, but that is just that, I get inspired. Before, and not so long ago I must admit to my embarrassment, I got so fixed on my topic and that my images had to respond to that argument, that I could feel how my subject slowly strangled me and made me completely paralysed and unable to respond at all, specially not creatively. This happened during the song stage project by the formal methodology I used, and recently it almost happened again, but by the concept and the “grand idea”. Instead of thinking that my work is about something, I should think that my work has been inspired by something. The form the work takes after that, is to a certain point beyond my control and I need to start accepting that or otherwise I must eventually stop doing this. My need to control has just exceeded the limits of any common sense. I try to control my images, which are not in the need to be restrained at all. I have constantly tried to superimpose my ideas on my images and all they have been doing, is struggling to run away and have a life of their own. My images are strong enough to stand on their own, without a narrative holding their back. Why haven’t I been able to see that before!
I start out with something very clear and even formal, but then my work takes over and everything becomes much more complex, but ever still direct and honest. I don’t need to explain what my work is about, specially because it seems like I don’t even know myself until it has reached a point where I know again. I have had such a strong view on myself as an artist and what kind of artist I want to be and what the questions I want to ask are, that I have completely discarded the joy of making work and then stepping back to see how it turned out like. I have made the images in my head before even putting the film in the camera, and by doing so, I have become so bored at the image that I have moved on to the next one and the next one before actually making anything. Out of all the images I could have made during the past 5 years, I have made probably around 30%. This percentage needs to get higher.
I was told recently that I have three layers of consideration, three filters that my images go through. Usually people have one, and that is plenty. I have three. By the time I get to the third one, there’s not much spontaneity left. Contemplation and consideration yes, joy none. I am not an intuitive maker, I was also told, and I agree. My intuition take form as confidence and in the way I make decisions, I don’t walk around unsure of what to do or how to do it, I make up my mind quickly and I usually stick to my plans. Plans yes, I have a lot of them. I sometimes become way too self conscious with all my plans, that again, I loose the pleasure. The pleasure of not knowing the final results ahead. Now how can I turn my head around that?